Long time ago in a very large savana, there was a lion who owned all the land. His name was Louise, and he thought he was the strongest lion in the world. One day, Louise came to Windy, a wise turtle that he always asks before doing something.
Louise said "I want to have all the lands in Africa." to her.
Windy said " That is not the right thing to do. And you are going to put the animals in danger."
He said " Do you think I am not strong enough to do this?"
Ignoring what she told him, he started to prepare for the war. He took many animals and went to the other savana. Many animals died on the way to the war because of the lack of water. Louise didn't care about what had happened, and continued their way. Once they got to the area they wanted to attack, all animals living there, knowing that Louise wanted their land, already prepared for the war completely. Tired from the long trip, and with the lost of many animals, Louise lost the war, got injured, and ran away from the battle field.
With shame and sadness, he went back to his land, he came to windy and he was very upset.
Windy said " You lost the war, right? "
With full of guilt, he replied " Yes"
" You should have satisfied with what you had at that time and listened to other's advice." Windy said.
By:Linah and Whi il
By:Linah and Whi il
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ReplyDeleteI like the general outline of the story very much. It basically follows the adventure structure we had learned before. This makes it easily understandable and thus an appropiate setup for a children's story. You could have continued and widened the conversation and descriptive text a little bit, so it creates a better reading flow. Also, I'm not sure if the topic of war is an appropiate topic in a children's story in general - but it clearly underscores the use of the ordinary story build-up (like already mentioned).
ReplyDeleteAlso, you could maybe have expanded the plot a little bit; for example having the lion persuading his fellows to go with him (with a lie or whatever).
Edit suggestions:
1st line: Maybe better use "a long time ago"
3rd line: "that he used to ask everything"
4th line: "all lands of Africa"
4th - 6th line: Use different words than "said"
7th line: "what she had told him before"\\
9th line: "continued his way" - it's his pursue
10th line: revise comma structure
10th line: "already had prepared for the war"
11th line: this part is maybe a little bit too short
12th line: Being ashamed an sad (of his defeat)
12th line: Differ form - too many "he"s
14th line: "Full of guilt"
15th line: "You should have been satisfied"
15th line: "with what you had before"